Grace and peace all. My name is Daniela and I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long, long time, but I’ve felt that somehow I am not capable to do so, and my biggest problem is feeling like a hypocrite because I am still currently struggling with this. But I am, with much grace from Him, writing it regardless. May the Lord do with this whatever is pleasing to Him.
Well I am 23 years old and I have been a Christian for 5 years. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home so like most teens I spent my high school years going from relationship to relationship. Becoming a Christian was the best thing that happened to me. Bless God He made me His own. The first months were absolutely amazing, months I like to call “the honeymoon” stage. When nothing else matters but knowing Christ, saying no to sin is easy and you’re on cloud 9! It feels like you could face the entire world and defeat it! Unfortunately, those months passed by and the struggle began.
Now I’m fighting the world (James 4:4), my flesh (Romans 7:14-25)(Galatians 5:16-17), and the devil (Ephesians 6:10-11), and at times it seems like all three are defeating me. I began to face struggles I thought I had defeated. Of course as a young woman, I don’t consider myself to be bad looking. The guys started coming along, but the game was very different now. Instead of “Hey, mind if I have your number and we can get together or something?” now I have “Wow! I praise the Lord for women like you who love God and are striving to love Him.” It went from comments like “Girl you are fine!” to “Not only are you godly, but you’re beautiful too.” The struggle remained the same though. I never understood why it was so hard to just kill the thoughts and pretend like I never heard those things, to just take every thought captive to Christ (2nd Corinthians 10:5). So life went from fornication and inappropriate conversations to long conversations about marriage and how we were both going to serve the Lord. One thing remained in common and it was the fact that both these scenarios gave me a sense of fulfillment and made me feel like I was worth something. Both pleased my flesh and I found a momentarily fulfillment that should only be found in Christ. It was idolatry.
I speak to countless young women who are striving to love and honor God and look to Christ, and yet struggle with this. I met a guy 3 years ago who loved the Lord. When we first met I realized I liked him right away. I explained to him how I knew I liked him and he just said “Don’t think about that right now. We gotta concentrate on the Lord.” Well as time grew and we became friends, he realized I was someone he would like to get to know and perhaps spend his life with. One night I was at church and I got a text from him. He simply just told me that he had asked the Lord to allow him to meet a girl who loved him and someone who didn’t have to be taught how to be a biblical woman but someone who already had those characteristics. He told me that the Lord answered his prayer, just not quite as he thought He would. He said, to his surprise, he was able to see that girl come alive in the 6 months we had been friends. He then asked me what did I think about June 18th being our anniversary. I looked down at the date on my computer and it was June 18th! It was so beautiful and so amazing. I was so happy that God had allowed me not only to meet this amazing man but also to know that he was going to be the person I would spent the rest of my life with. Most of you girls know this feeling: weak knees, butterflies, etc. I was so excited, so thankful, so happy! Nevertheless I had no idea what was coming for me.
We started dating. I began to imagine what life would be like with this guy, how many kids we would have together, even their names. I thought endlessly about what our home would look like, what our dog would look like, how’d I’d fall in his arms when he came home from work, and on and on. I know some of you know exactly the thoughts. I didn’t think it was wrong. After all I wasn’t thinking anything sexual. Little did I know how much that would affect me years down the road. Oh that I would have known how deep a wound it would cause and leave! I fooled myself into thinking that it was healthy, after all he is the man I’ll be with. Who cares! God blessed me with this!! I allowed my feelings to overpower God’s Word and His wisdom. The easiest person to deceive is ourselves, and we’ll try and justify any thought and action if it benefits us and gives us pleasure.
Let’s fast forward a little bit. We had our fights and our disagreements, nothing too big, but during the years we dated one thing went on to another and we both became very emotionally attached to one another. By the grace of God we never fell, we never touched kissed or have an innapropiate conversation. Fast forward 2 years some very ugly things happened and the relationship ended. It was very hard, extremely hard, and I felt like my world was falling. I even began to have thoughts of suicide. I despaired of life itself and I didn’t want to deal with the heartache and pain. I really wish I had the words to describe what it all felt like but I don’t. It was so painful, so excruciating, so real. I never thought that emotions could hurt that much. I spent nights crying, weeping, sobbing for hours. Forget about music, it was the most torturing thing. It didn’t matter what I saw, everything reminded me of him. Shopping at stores, music, food, common everyday sayings, sports teams, roaches, walls, cars, everything, and I mean absolutely everything brought memories and made everything so much harder. I could not get away from it. All I wanted to do was sleep my life away.
So a year goes by and the struggle is still hard, and it’s still painful. This was about 2 years ago. A year after we broke up I spoke to him and we remained talking as friends and nothing more. I was happy to see and hear that he was still walking with the Lord and he likewise for me. Again, we began to talk and let’s just say everything I just told you about happened all over again. Now I’m here, exactly where I was 2 years ago. Same guy, same pain, same memories…same old story, just like the dog that returns to his own vomit.
Now some of you may be asking why am I writing this? How do I expect this to help anyone? Where is the encouragement? Honestly, those are the questions I’ve asked myself as well as I have felt pressed to share my story, and those questions are the ones that kept me from sharing this, but here is the reason why I share it: I know I’m not alone and that many girls have gone through this and some of you are still going through it, just like me. I know some girls who will read this may be about to enter into something like this. I guess the reason why I am writing it is so that my pain could be worth something. My desire is that someone can read this and skip all the things I did wrong. My hope is that someone can learn from my mistakes and not have to go through this. Confession is a powerful thing, and a testimony is a beam of hope. Now your question might be “what am I supposed to be learning from?” Learn to guard your heart, I didn’t guard mine (Proverbs 3:5-6)(Proverbs 4:23)(Proverbs 28:26)(Jeremiah 17:9)(Matthew 6:21). I built hope upon something that I wasn’t even sure was the Lord’s will. I gave my heart away to someone who it didn’t belong to (Revelation 2:4). It was easy to stay away from sexual immorality, the real struggle is not to build hope on something that makes you feel so amazing. I sought fulfillment in a man and trusted a man instead of Christ. Never make someone other than Christ you’re everything, because when they’re gone, be it by death or by breakup, you’ll have nothing. Many are the plans of a man but only the Lord’s plan prevail (Proverbs 19:21). I thought I knew it all (1st Corinthians 8:2)(Proverbs 26:12) and that he would be the man I will be with so I gave my heart to him as if it did belong to him. I feel as though the apostle Paul was speaking directly to me when he said “But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ. (2 Corinthians 11:3)” That was me, maybe it still is. I hear so many people say and write silly blogs on how they waited till marriage to have their first kiss and how they waited till marriage to have sex, but we barely ever hear of people who have waited till marriage to give their most valuable possession away: Their hearts. We go around giving men pieces of our hearts without realizing that one day we will finally meet the man we will be with forever and have but a little tiny piece of heart to give away to him. It really does take a moment to make memories and a lifetime to forget them. I want you to learn that it is prideful to think that we know who we will be with and even more prideful to act like it, to act like we know for sure and take actions as if we knew (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We are not God. God is God and we are not.
So years later I am still here crying, weeping, sobbing and wondering why this happened, but I pray and hope that the reason it did happen was that someone else would not have to go through this. Return to Jesus Christ the Righteous and find your satisfaction and fulfillment and identity in Him.
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